The following page of jokes I lifted from someone else's web site. I don't remember who, but I do thank them for I think much of this material is side splitting. I think the person can be reached at kim@snickelways.com - Alex
If You Can Top These...
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey, it's the '90's!) he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."
Back to ListThe proof that we don't understand death is we give dead people a pillow. I mean if you can't stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I don't think there are any bedding accessories that can make the difference. But the suit and the pillow really shows how we have no idea what to get these people ready for. I mean, what situation are you going into with a suit and a pillow? There are no business nap meetings.
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door!
It's tough to do a good deed. Let's look at your professional good-deed doers, your Lone Rangers, your Supermen, your Batmen, your Spidermen. They're all wearing disguises, masks over their faces, secret identities. They don't want people to know who they are. Too much aggravation. "Superman, yeah thanks for saving my life, but did you have to come though my wall? I'm renting here. They've got a security deposit. Now what am I supposed to do?"
I'm on the plane, we left late, and the pilot says, "We're going to be making up some time in the air." I thought, "Isn't that interesting. They just make up time." That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now my question is, if you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? "Come on, they're no cops up here! Nail it! Give it some gas! We're flying!"
You can measure distance by time. "How far away is that place?" "About 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."
The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. You ever fly standby? It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, "Bye."
Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a workplace anyway. I think they think of it as a stationery store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.
There are many different jobs for cops these days. It seems to me that Chalk Outline Guy is one of the better jobs you can get. It's not too dangerous, the criminals are long gone - that seems like a good one. I don't know who these guys are. I guess they're people who wanted to be sketch artists but they couldn't draw too well. "Uh, listen Johnson, forget the sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk, you could manage to trace around it? Could you do that?" I don't even know how that helps them solve the crime. They look at the thing on the ground, "Oh, his arm was like that when he hit the pavement, that means the killer must have been.......... Jim!"
Talk-show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is left in the show, you know? They're always looking off camera, "Do we have time? Are we out of time? How are we doing on time?" You never see Magnum P.I go, "Should I strangle this guy or are we gonna take a break here? Can you stay for another beating? I'll tell you what, I'll bop him in the head, we'll do a commercial, we'll come back, I'll drive in the car real fast. Stay with us."
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."
Sunday paper is the worst. Weekend. You want to relax."Oh, by the way, here's a thousand pages of information you had no idea about." How can they tell you everything they know about every single day of the week and then have this much left over on Sunday when nothing's going on?
Any day that you had gym was a weird school day. It started off kind of normal. You had English, Geometry, Social Studies, and then suddenly you're in Lord of the Flies for forty minutes. you're hanging from a rope, you have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yelling at you, "Where's your jockstrap?!" Kids are throwing dodge balls at you, snapping towels - you're trying to survive. And then it's History, Science, Language. There's something off in the whole flow of that day.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating. -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960
Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.-A. Whitney Brown
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.-William James
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again---and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. -- Mark Twain
There's lots of comedy on tv but does that cause comedy in the streets? -- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. -- Dave Barry
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
668: The Neighbor of the Beast
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.-Emo Phillips
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.-F. P. Jones
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. -- George Carlin
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.-Ashleigh Brilliant
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
Her kisses left something to be desired-the rest of her.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.-Johnny Carson
I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.-Charles Barkley
My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character. -- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.-Mark Twain
On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
Don't worry about temptation-as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.-Old Farmer's Almanac
G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area." -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.-Mark Twain
"Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning."
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"
A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms.
A Redhead, Brunette and Blond walk into a bar. The red head says"I'd like a G&T." The bartender asks, "What's a G&T?" She replies "A gin & tonic!" The brunette then says, "I'd like a B&C." The bartender asks "What's a B&C?" She replies "A Bacardi & Coke!" The Blonde then says "I'd like a fifteen." The bartender asks,"what's a fifteen?" She replies,"A seven and seven!"
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
What ever happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned in Spring training
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice?
Because it said 'concentrate'.
How do blondes like their eggs in the morning?
Unfertilized
What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning?
Are you guys all on the same team?
Why did the blonde have square breasts?
Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box
What do you call a brunette between 2 blondes?
An interpreter
What do you call a blonde between 2 brunettes?
A wind tunnel
An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times.
What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office: Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Barker, " said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
A Jewish woman is at the beach in Miami with her five-year-old grandson, who was making a sand castle a few feet away from her. All of a sudden, a huge wave picks up the child and carries him into the deep blue sea. The grandmother is frantic, and asks everyone around for help, but to no avail. Her grandson is gone.
The woman then looks up at the sky, and holding up her fist cries: "God, what have I done to deserve this? I have worshipped you since I was a child, and made sure to raise my children to be good Jews as well. Now you have taken my little Chaim, my pride and joy, the best grandson a person could ever have. How can you do such a thing to someone as devout as I am? I beg of you, God, if you have any compassion, to please return my grandson to me safely."
All of a sudden, the same wave returns and little Chaim was sitting next to his grandmother. The woman hugs and kisses the child, and then looks up at the sky once again, and says: "He had a hat...."
Math
Three squaws were each preparing for the birth of their first child. The first squaw placed a large bear
hide by a river, the second squaw placed an elk hide by a tree by a river, and the third squaw placed a
hippopotamus hide by a path, near the river and the tree so that the three formed a triangle. It just
so happens that all three women gave birth on the same day. The first squaw on the bear hide had a 5-lb
son, the second squaw on the elk hide had a 6-lb son, and the third squaw on the hippopotamus hide had
an 11-lb son.
To this day, mathematicians credit these three women with the first proof of the Pythagorean Theorem:
"The son of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the two adjacent hides."
An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch me some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a bunch of long reeds with something fuzzy on the ends. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "Pussywillows." Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters whenever they had sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover.
The first woman brags "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love."
The second woman boasts, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes."
The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
It turns out that Picabo Streets' grandmother was at St. Vincent's Hospital in New York when her granddaughter won the gold medal in the Winter Olympic downhill. She was so grateful to her doctors and so happy about her granddaughter's victory that she decided to give some money to the hospital. She is actually a very wealthy woman, and the donation was so substantial the hospital invited her to dedicate some branch or department in honor of the gift. So from now on, the intensive care unit at St. Vincent's will be known as the Picabo ICU.
A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy I'd have had nothing to play with.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night he called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy..."Hey buddy...why are you doing that?" He said..."Because you came home early."
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning...put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born...the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my ather..."I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...But, he pulled through."
My mother had morning sickness -- after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost...I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him..."Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said..."I don't know kid...there are so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. I said, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look n the mirror...I feel like throwing up, what's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him..."If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said...."Alright...you're ugly too!"
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face...turned me over and said, "Look...twins! "
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
When I was born, the doctor turned to my mother...and slapped HER.
After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that that was enough. They could not afford a larger double-wide. So, the husband went to his doctor, who also treated mules, and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (small fireworks), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to get a second opinion.
The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy when he realized how truly backwards these people were. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man ent home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked in on the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, "Oh," and ran back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, ran to the back of the car and cut off the last two inches of the tailpipe.
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes as company, along with some suitably shaped holes in trees, which he occasionally used for sex.
One fine day, Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the jungle she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting his member into a giant oak.
She watched in awe for a while, and was finally overcome by this display of animal passion. Jane could stand it no longer.
She ran out into the open and offered herself to Tarzan.
She laid her shapely body down in the wild grass and, without warning, Tarzan ran up to her and kicked her in the crotch. She screamed in pain, "What the hell did you do that for?" To which Tarzan replied...
"Tarzan always check for squirrels first!"
President Clinton had been walking around the White House and going to public and private meetings all day with a pair of pink ladies underwear on his left arm. Reporters and staff observed this phenomenon and of course wondered what was going on.
Finally, at an afternoon press conference, Sam Donaldson got brave enough to ask the President why he had a pair of ladies panties on his arm.
The President looked genuinely surprised, and replied, "Oh That. It's the patch. I'm trying to quit."