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The Humor Pages:
A Bunch of Longer Jokes
There are these two old trees were growing tall together in a forest. One was a beech and the
other was a birch. For a while they had been watching a sapling grow in the space between them.
Finally, one day the beech said to the birch, "I say, is that sapling there a son of a beech, or
a son of a birch?" The birch said that it was a son of a birch and the two began arguing.
After a while a woodpecker came along and the birch asked the woodpecker, "Excuse me, would you
mind answering a question for us? We can't decide if that little sapling down there is a son
of a beech of a son of a birch. Would you mind telling us which it is?" The woodpecker said
no he wouldn't mind and he flew down to the sapling and pecked on it for a while. When he was
done he flew back up to the two trees. The beech said, "Well which is it? Is it a son of a beech
or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker said, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch!
In fact, it's the best piece of ash I have ever had."
An upstanding citizen was asked by his church to give a talk on adultery. However, this man's
wife was very prim and narrow-minded. The man, knowing she would never approve of the proposed
topic, told her he was giving a speech but that it was going to be about boating. His talk
on adultery was such a success that when a church member saw the wife in the grocery store
the next week the church member commented, without mentioning the subject talked about, how
much she had enjoyed the man's speech. "I'm really surprised he knew so much about it," the
man's wife exclaimed. "He's only done it twice in his life. The first time he threw up and
the second time his hat blew off."
A Zebra suddenly died and was standing in front of the pearly gates facing St. Peter. "Was
your stay on earth a pleasant and fulfilling one?" inquired St. Peter. "Oh yes!", exclaimed
the zebra, but soon added, "There was only one thing which puzzled me though. Am I white with
black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?" St. Peter pondered the animal's question
for some time and finally admitted the he did not have the answer, but that the answer would
be provided if the animal went around to the cloud on the left and asked Him the question.
The zebra darted off eagerly and soon disappeared behind the cloud. Lightening and thunder
prevailed for a few seconds when the zebra soon returned to where St. Peter was standing
awaiting the answer to the zebra's question. "Well, well, what was the answer?", asked St.
Peter in an excited voice. "To be honest, I don't think I received an answer", replied the
zebra. "All He said was, 'You are what you are' " continued the zebra with a questioning
look on its face. "Of course He answered your question!", exclaimed St. Peter. He could
have said, 'You IS what you IS' "!
Three ropes go into a bar. The bartender says to the first rope "I'm sorry, we don't serve
ropes." To the second rope he said, "I'm sorry, you'll have to leave, we don't serve ropes."
The third rope went into the men's room, tied one end of himself and unraveled the other end.
He stepped up to the bar and ordered a drink. The bartender eyed him suspiciously and said
"are you a rope?" and the rope said "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
A woman is walking along the beach when she comes upon a man without any arms or legs
sitting in a wheelchair and crying his eyes out. The woman asks "what's the matter?"
and the man replies through his tears "I've never been hugged!" "Oh, dear, that's
terrible!" returned the woman, who gave the man a big hug and went on her way. Walking
along the next day, the same woman saw the same man, still crying. When she asked what
the problem was, this time the man said "I've never been kissed!" The woman looked first
over her right, and then her left shoulder, took a deep breath, and kissed the poor
crippled man right on the lips. On the third day the woman was walking and came upon the
very same handicapped man, who was still bawling. "What is the matter?" the woman asked
again, to which the man replied "I've never been screwed!" The woman picked up the man out
of his wheelchair, carried him to the water's edge, and threw him right into the ocean,
and said "There. Now you're screwed."
Two blondes enter a bar and ask the bartender for his best champagne as they REALLY want to
celebrate. He asks "What are you celebrating?" One answers, "We have been working on a
jig-saw puzzle and finally finished after 3 1/2 months." "Is that good ?" asked the barkeep.
The blond responded, "We think so, the side of the box said 4-6 YEARS!"
President Clinton and his family went out one evening to a baseball game. When the home
team's catcher heard that the president was sitting in the stands, he went over to Bill
and whispered something in his ear. Bill smiled. A few minutes later, the catcher came
over and said "It's time, Mr. President." Bill lifted Hillary over his head, spun around
a few times, and flung her over the railing onto the field. The catcher, who looked surprised,
ran over to the president and said, "You seem to have misunderstood my request. I wanted
you to throw out the first PITCH!"
A local Orlando High School student wanted to earn some extra money. He decided to go from
house to house to ask for work and wound up at the house of Shaquille O'Neal. He said, Mr.
O'Neal, do you have any jobs I can do to earn extra money? Shaq said, "Yes, I'll give you
$40 to paint my porch. There is a bucket of green paint and some brushes in the garage."
A while later the kid returned to the door. Shaq said, "Are you done painting the porch?"
The kid replied, "Yes I am, only it wasn't a porch, it was a Jaguar."
There was a young assistant manager who was working in a produce department. One day he went
up to his boss and said "Some asshole wants a half head of lettuce," but when he turned around
that man was standing there. He quickly said "but that's alright, this gentleman here will
take the other half." His boss was impressed with the young assistant's quick wit. He said,
"We could use a man of your style in our Sudbury branch, how would you like to work there?"
The assistant said in horror, "Only whores and hockey players come from Sudbury!" His boss
quickly stated, "My wife comes from Sudbury!" The assistant quickly asks "Oh, what team did
she play for?"
This woman could not seem to find a good reliable boyfriend. Every time she hooked up with
anyone, he would abuse her and then take off and leave her flat. So finally, in desperation,
she decides to run an ad in the paper where she could be selective about her next companion.
"Looking for reliable man who will not beat me, will not run away from me, and likes plenty
of sex." A few days later, her door bell rings. She opens the door to find a quadruple amputee
in a wheel chair sitting there looking at her. He tells her he is responding to her ad. In
response to her dumfounded expression he says, "As you can see, I have no legs, so I won't
run away from you; and since I do not have arms, I could hardly beat you." Still puzzled,
she says, "What about the sex?" "Oh, I don't see that as a problem," he says, "how do you
think I rang the doorbell?"
It seems that a man entered a restaruant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he
knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt
pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all
the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" he waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had an
efficiency expert here, he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock their spoons off their
tables.
By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As
he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have
a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same
efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the
men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply
pull it out with the string, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no
need to
wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your
penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
